There and Back Again or Something Like That

I was going through a drawer and happened upon a business card with the web address for this blog which I had long forgotten about.

Apparently, it's been more than three years since I blogged for myself.  Oops.  I was kind of afraid to read what I had written.  I tend to embarrass myself when I read my past writing but I was pleasantly surprised to find it all coherent and fairly well-written.  Yay, me!  Phew!

So, we're on the cusp of a historic election.  A good friend is dying.  My life has gone a bit haywire.  I've made a lot of art, made some music, made new friends (and lost a few).  I've started and quit two freelance writing gigs.  I've started two businesses which tend to give back as much as I manage to put into them.  My heart is heavy and my mind is chaotic so I was thinking maybe I'd revisit this space and talk to myself and whoever wants to listen a bit and maybe try to find and possibly share a little peace and clarity.

Initially, I had dedicated this thought-space to politics and religion because I'm just fun like that but I might just make it a "me" space.  Or I might forget about it for another three years.  Who knows?  But I'd be lying if I said the thought of getting back to writing wasn't getting me at all excited.

Things I am Learning

I knew I was a slacker but didn't realize quite how long it had been since I blogged anything!  Sorry about that.  I'll try to do better.

Anyway, as some of you know, I have recently been participating in the musical, Jesus Christ Superstar.  This experience seems to be becoming one of those "pivotal life moments" we so often hear about.  With much gratitude, I have learned quite a bit about myself and the world I live in through this experience.

Lesson 1: I can do hard things.
Almost every moment of participating in this has been forced.  The initial decision was a whim and was not entirely serious.  When I first said, "Yeah, I'm gonna try out for this", I didn't mean it and I didn't believe it.  I am fat and have health issues that are often painful.  I am not especially pretty or talented.  Then I started to really think about it.  More than almost anything, I love to sing.  I wanted to sing.  Badly.  In the past, I was held back by anxiety and fear.  I don't like being looked at and I am always worried about being judged negatively.  This was another chance and maybe, just maybe, I would be good enough; not great, but good enough.  If I really wanted to sing, I would have to get past a lot of personal baggage.  I auditioned, I accepted a role, I accepted an even bigger role, I practiced, I went on stage and I sang!  Even though I had to push myself, hard, through every single step of auditioning from the moment of filling out the audition request form to stepping on stage, I did it.  I did it.  I did it.

Lesson 2:  My poor self-image is generated internally and I can change that.
I often think poorly of myself; that I have nothing of value to offer.  I assume that others agree because, well, isn't it obvious?  Turns out, not so much.  My friend, Missy, encouraged me to audition.  My friend Laura and my husband's cousin, Leah, gave me audition and performance advice.  My husband and son gave up countless hours of their own time and took on huge responsibility so I could rehearse.  My friends Ori, Mary, Cyn, Andy and Elaine encouraged and supported me through every single step.  Many friends and family members bought tickets to come and see me.  The cast and crew helped me through some things that were very difficult for me to learn and do and worked with me to help me do better.  All of these people had my back.  They steadied me when I stumbled.  They lifted me when I started to fall.  They believed in me.  I know these people to be smart and honest and they saw value in me.  This made me realize that maybe my image of myself does not match what others see.  I am learning to let go of who I was and the mistakes I have made.  I am learning that people are more forgiving than I give them credit for.  I am taking the lesson from them that my mistakes are just that - mistakes - and they are not the sum total of my existence.  I am learning to see myself for who I am and to forgive myself when I am not perfect.

Lesson 3:  Tolerance of differing views.
Through my associations in real life and on-line, I have isolated myself.  Though I know things are seldom black and white, when you spend a lot of time with people of a particular mind-set, you tend to "other-ize" those who are outside of your ideals.  The theater group is comprised of an amazing variety of people from all ages and walks of life.  Some of them are conservatives or libertarians.  Some are evangelical Christians.  Some are cheerleaders or frat boys.  Most of them are a lot...well, not like me.  Despite this, we have a common thread in our love of music.  This has reminded me that we have many common threads.  Our similarities are greater than our differences.  People have differing perspectives and that's okay.  There is room for tolerance and peace.

There is more that I want to say but it's not in words yet.  It's still just an amorphous jumble in the back of my brain.  When I get it sorted, I'll try to not be such a slacker and maybe make another post.

I don't know what is next.  I don't know where I go from here.  I do know that I will make every effort to take these lessons to heart and apply them to my life going forward.  I am more grateful than I can express to everyone who has taken this journey with me.

Take risks.  Love each other.  Love yourself.

I'm an A$$hole.

This weekend I received an e-mail. Well, several actually but most of them were spam. But at least one wasn’t; it was very personal and full of emotion from someone I have known for at least 10 years and it said “Wow. You really are an asshole.” No explanation, no clue to what might have set it off, no links, nothing (well technically it also spread the love to my husband but that’s irrelevant in the context of this post); just that single glaring indictment.

An asshole. Me. Huh. At first I felt really hurt. I had not even had contact with this person recently and I could not imagine what I had done to garner such a hateful statement. I struggle with low self-esteem after enduring decades of bullying and it has long been my weakness to try to gain people’s acceptance so most people think I’m “really nice”. I often play the role of door mat because I am trying so damn hard to not upset anyone so for me to be an asshole, I must have really done something awful.

I got to really thinking about it. Do other people think I am an asshole? Am I an asshole? I guess first we have to define “asshole”. Several qualities come to mind when I look at my own definition; selfishness, spite, arrogance, closed-mindedness, rudeness, vulgarity, hurtfulness. I looked for those qualities in my thoughts and actions. I checked the e-mails I had recently sent to people and my social networking posts but in the past month found mostly music, science and kittens plus a post on atheism and a post promoting a friend’s business. I thought about my thinking process. I look for ways to help and to give. I forgive. I remind myself not to judge others. I reconsider my positions when new information is presented. I respect other people for who they are and I figure I should leave most people alone most of the time because I don’t want to bother them unless I have something important to say or something to share that I really think they’ll like. After review, much to my relief, I came to the conclusion that while I am human and undoubtedly make many mistakes, I do not fit the definition of “asshole”. Phew! Thank goodness!

But what would make someone say such a thing? Perspective. I know, intimately, the intent behind each action I take and each word I utter. I know how hard I try to do good for people, society and the planet. I know the minutiae of each detail of each decision I make. I know how much I agonize over wording things neutrally so as not to offend. No one else knows my motivation. So from the outside, what might someone without that insight see? In my infrequent contact, they might see someone who doesn’t reach out much or doesn’t care. In my voicing my political and religious opinions, they might see someone who pushes their ideology onto others. In my advocacy for atheism, they might see someone whose beliefs are a direct affront to the beliefs they hold near and dear. In short, they might see an asshole.

I cannot control the perspective of others. I can only try to explain when I am misunderstood. I cannot make them believe me. I cannot make them like me. I feel badly for people who consistently find offense where none was intended; people who think that every statement out of line with the dialogue in their heads is a direct attack on them. But you know what? I can’t fix that either.

In the end, the best I can do is be true to me. I can speak up against what I think is wrong and I can advocate for what I think is right. I can do so vociferously if I feel there is a need. I can show compassion and respect for others without having to fit myself into the mold they hold up for me. And sometimes, for some people, that is going to make me an asshole and now that I understand, I am okay with it. I would rather be an honest, ethical, misunderstood asshole than a carbon-copy “nice person” who destroys themselves to make others happy. Looking at it that way, I think we would all be better off if there were more assholes in the world.

I’ll go first.

Murder for a Saint: An Example of Immoral Religion

A family in Mexico is alleged to have murdered a woman and two young boys in ritual human sacrifice related to their fanatic belief in Santa Muerte, or ‘Saint Death’. The murders were said to have been committed so that the saint would grant them protection. While the Catholic church has condemned the saint as superstition (which would seem to be a pot/kettle situation to me), followers do not seem to be deterred by the church’s stance. According to Wikipedia, many of them have become disillusioned about the church’s ability to help them and have turned to this hybrid of Catholicism and traditional belief to attend to their wants and needs.

Santa Muerte statues.  Photo from Time.com

One must wonder, had they given up religion altogether instead of moving on to worship of a loosely-related character which still allows them to consider themselves religious followers (i.e. “good people”), if much tragedy might have been avoided. It is possible that their religion is one of the things they cite as keeping them from committing bad deeds but I think a lack of belief would be vastly less likely to lead to murder for its own sake.

The Reason Rally, Part III: Conclusion and Take-Away

So after hours on a bus and hours of sitting in the rain, communing with other people because we, as Tim Minchin said, “all don’t think something similar”, in the end, what can we take away from this gathering?

As Reason Rally speaker and blogger, Greta Christina stated, “We are not angry because something is wrong with us; we are angry because something is right with us.” I think many non-believers have been made to feel that there is something wrong with them. After listening to the speakers at the Reason Rally, I know that Greta Christina is correct and all secularists should aim to keep that in mind. We are the ones whose conclusions are based in fact.

I have considered myself an atheist activist for several years now. I started a secular parenting group; I am an assistant organizer for an atheist meet-up; I have volunteered for skeptic organizations. I have donated money to numerous secular organizations. I have blogged and I have conversed and I have argued. Despite all of that, I often feel like my efforts do no good. I am one fish in an ocean and most of the other fish are swimming the other direction. I lose my hope. The Reason Rally restored a good deal of it. It restored my belief that all of these things I am doing are the right things to do. I have renewed confidence in my country and in the possibility that it can be the kind of place I want my child to grow up.

I feel inspired to speak out, to refuse to hide, to never let false information go unchallenged. I feel empowered that I can make a difference. I can help pave the way for genuine progress. I can make the world a more peaceful, more loving, freer and more reasonable place.

The Reason Rally, Part II: The Main Event

The line-up was a stellar list of speakers running the gamut from scientists to comedians and the planning put into the event was readily apparent.  My deepest appreciation goes out to those who worked so hard to pull this all together.

   

A short while into the day’s events, a military ceremony was performed honoring non-believers in our armed forces.  I found this to be quite meaningful and I while I do not know if it did anything to dispel the notion that there are “no atheists in foxholes”, I hope it at least let our brave service people know that there are many thousands of people who respect and appreciate them and who understand that gods are not necessary for honorable service to one’s country.

Military Ceremony at the Reason Rally

We were then led in the Pledge of Allegiance in its pre-1954 form which did not include the words “under God”.  This moment was unexpectedly moving for me.  Every time I am present during the pledge, I feel excluded from my country despite the fact that I love this nation.  Hearing tens of thousands of people in a single voice saying, “One nation, indivisible” literally made my chest swell with pride and love for my countrymen.  If we are to thrive as a people, we must be indivisible and not allow religion to fracture our bonds with one another. 

Hemant Mehta, a blogger at The Friendly Atheist was one of the first speakers of the day.  His was the first atheist blog I followed and it helped me initially navigate the waters of being an atheist so I was really looking forward to what he had to say.  His focus was on being involved in society by running for office.  Having watched the infiltration of our government by the religious right and now seeing the effects of that, I have long been saying that secularists need to do the same thing.  His talk reminded me of the importance of being actively involved.  Running for office is not on my radar in the near future but it is something I would consider at some point down the road.  In the meantime, I will hold on to his words as a reminder to be involved where and when I can.  I hope that many were similarly inspired and that at least some will take on the challenge.

Hemant Mehta of The Friendly Atheist

The next speaker was Jessica Ahlquist, a 17-year-old student who won a case against her high school regarding a Christian prayer posted on the wall at her school.  What an amazing young lady!  When I was in high school, I was so busy oscillating between being a rebel and trying to fit in that I doubt I would have even noticed such an infringement much less had the strength and wherewithal to challenge it.  This girl conducted herself with such poise and grace and spoke with such honesty and conviction, one could not help but admire her.  She was presented on stage with a scholarship for $62,000, all collected from non-believers and supporters of the separation of church and state which I am sure she will put to good use.  Young people like her are what allow me to retain a hint of optimism for our future.

Jessica Ahlquist, Student Activist

Another speaker was Adam Savage from the show “Myth Busters”.  Not having television, I had never seen the show and didn’t know much about him.  His talk was a pleasant surprise and he was one of my favorite speakers of the entire event.    His talk (transcript of which can be found here) was straightforward and eloquent, easily articulating what it means to have reason and why having it is important.  He highlighted the societal and technological advances which the application of reason has allowed us to enjoy.  He spoke of facts including the lunar landing, global climate change and the age of the earth which some have tried to convince us are not accurate.  He spoke of beliefs such as the absurdity of the drug war and abstinence-only sex education, our duty to take care of each other and the origins of individual morality with all of which, I heartily agreed.  Then he spoke about his conclusion about God:

“And finally, I have concluded through careful empirical analysis and much thought that somebody is looking out for me, keeping track of what I think about things, forgiving me when I do less than I ought, giving me strength to shoot for more than I think I am capable of. I believe they know everything that I do and think, and they still love me. And I’ve concluded, after careful consideration, that this person keeping score is me.”

I found myself nodding in absolute agreement with each statement. It is so comforting to hear one’s own thoughts being spoken by another; to know that we are not alone.

Adam Savage of Myth Busters

Around 12:30, we were treated to a few songs by Australian performer, Tim Minchin. Having stalked him semi-professionally in the past (in a good, friendly “Thanks, Tim, I love your work” way, not a scary “I’ve got rope and duct tape in the trunk and I’m driving cross-country in an adult diaper” way), I couldn’t resist making my way up to the front of the non-VIP section with my friend, Mary. Tim seemed energized and despite comments to the effect of wishing he didn’t have to be there, really seemed to be feeding off the vibes from the audience which, at least up front, were nothing but big squishy love vibes.

He began with a song called “Confessions” which points out that regardless of our species’ intellectual superiority and lofty ambitions, in the end we are products of our evolution who retain the most basic of instinctual ties to our long-ago ancestors. He next performed one of my favorites, “Thank you, God”; a song about (not-so-) miraculous healings, attributed to divine intervention instead of the dozens of much more likely natural explanations. Next up was “If I Didn’t Have You” which is a song about love…or “maths”…I don’t know but he effectively compares love to bigotry, guinea pigs and bananas and that alone is worth a few points in my book.

Tim Minchin

Controversy seems to follow Tim around and the rally offered no exception when he opted to perform the “Pope Song”; it essentially says that if you’re more offended by expletives than by the church covering up child-rape, your priorities are a bit screwy but it throws in 70 or 80 “F-bombs” to illustrate the point. Unfortunately, there are many people who do get so hung up on the language, I’m not sure they even hear the point of the song. A shit-storm is developing, even amongst the godless and of course, detractors have seized on this as an example of atheists’ disrespect and nastiness in order to overshadow the much more important story that our ranks are growing. I hate the way things get twisted but it does strike me as funny that these people complaining have completely missed the fact that they are the people he is talking about in the song. He finished with a flawless performance of his anti-alt med beat poem, “Storm” which was a perfect close to his set and was clearly enjoyed by the crowd.

The Pope

Later in the day came a talk by Nathan Phelps, the estranged son of Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for picketing funerals of U.S. service members with an anti-gay, anti-military message. They also picketed the Reason Rally. Nate was my favorite speaker of the entire event. His talk was so honest and so moving that I found myself at one point brought to tears. He recounted how he left the church and his journey to atheism. As he said it, “They called me a rebel. For years, I wore that name with shame until I realized that, confronted with the god of my father, rebellion is the only moral option.”

Westboro Baptist Church

He spoke about how he fervently tried to find a loving God and how, on September 11th, 2001, he became completely disillusioned. He addressed the hate taught by his family and instead of returning more hate to them, instead of encouraging others to hate them, he expressed only sadness that they should waste their lives on it. Then he spoke of hope; his hope for a nation that honors reason and his hope, looking out on the crowd, that we might yet attain that. Nate Phelps is a class act. He is someone I will keep in mind as a picture of who I strive to be and I believe others should do the same.

Nathan Phelps

In all, every speaker did a spectacular job of conveying the purpose of the rally and articulating the sentiments of those in the crowd (a few sentences here and there not withstanding).  It was an honor and a pleasure to have the opportunity to participate and I am so glad that I did not allow my concerns to keep me from attending.  It was a thought-provoking experience which encapsulated more solidarity, love, and rationality than I ever expected.

The Reason Rally, Part I: Getting There

Last Saturday, I had the wonderful privilege of attending the Reason Rally in Washington, D.C.  For those who may not know, the Reason Rally was a gathering of atheists and other non-believers to show solidarity amongst us.  It was a coming out party for many who had never before let their lack of faith be known, a celebration of our lack of belief and our common humanity and a statement to our politicians, friends, families, neighbors and co-workers that we are part of this society, we expect reason-based policy instead of theocracy and we will not be dismissed.

I have been trying to devise a way to briefly summarize the rally but after several days, I realize that there is just too much involved to be easily summed up.  Instead, I would like to take time to review a few of the highlights and give my thoughts on certain aspects of the day.

Up until it was too late to get a refund on my bus tickets, I seriously debated whether I should go.  I had many concerns going into it.  Could I really afford to do this financially?  I haven’t had an oven since December and the cash going into this trip could have remedied that.  Could I manage this physically?  I have severe joint issues and 28+ hours round-trip on a bus in combination with lots of walking and standing was not likely to improve matters.  Could I handle this mentally?  I have a fair amount of anxiety when it comes to crowds and public transportation.  Would I be safe?  There are plenty of people who think atheists are “evil”.  What if one of them decided it was a perfect opportunity to make their world a better place?  After much internal torment, I decided that this was important enough to take those risks and deal with each situation as it came.  If I were to be the person I think of myself as, I must go.  I must stand up for what I believe to be right and true.  I needed to be a part of this. 

The first moment that really struck me was on the bus that would take us from Chicago to Washington.  Everyone was so friendly and kind and the conversations going on around me were simply awesome (these were themes that prevailed throughout the day.  There was never a moment that I did not feel I was among friends).  I suddenly thought how incredible it was that I was on a bus filled with people who do not believe in God; a whole bus full of people who had come to the same conclusion as me – a conclusion which had caused me to be excluded and made to feel like there was something wrong with me and which was now the criterion for inclusion.  I was glad I had come.

We arrived a bit early which was nice since it allowed me to get my bearings a bit.  The first thing that stood out was the backdrop of the Washington Monument behind the stage.  Looking at it, I felt a deep connection to my country and the freedoms that the Founding Fathers envisioned for our nation.  I pondered how we could have gotten to this point where reason is shunned and freedoms are willingly forfeited for the sake of comfort.  I was even more glad I had come.

 

The next thing that began to sink in was the growing size of the crowd.  Atheists have long been maligned in our society and many are afraid to let others know of their lack of belief.  Many, myself included, have lost friends, family or jobs because of their non-belief.  To look around and realize that everyone in that space was a non-believer and that all of them felt it was important enough of a matter to come to our nation’s capitol was one of the single most empowering moments of my life.  We are many and we are everywhere.